Christmas 2008

THE M CHRONICLES
2008 HOLIDAY EDITION

9 February
Dear Diary,
Now that N is four years old, he wants to know everything about everything. He and C had a perfectly serious discussion about the symbiotic relationship between plants and people yesterday. N took this to mean that he had to breathe heavily on the rhododendron in our front yard.

My only concern is if we’re having these discussions at 4, what will happen when he’s 8 or 17? Or for that matter, 5?

Thank God for Google.

22 April
Dear Diary,
Seven seconds. Just a drop in the time bucket, isn’t it? According to C, it’s enough to make you toss your Clif Shots when you miss breaking the three hour mark in the Boston Marathon by those seven measly seconds. In his defense, there was a 10 mph east wind blowing that day. I’m sure if you correct for wind, he met his goal. Let’s see - a 6:52 minute/mile pace into a 10 mph wind…er, um.

How did I ever get through differential equations?

13 May
Dear Diary,
Care to guess what N’s favorite TV show is? Food Network’s Good Eats. Alton Brown is the king of his realm. Hearing, “But Alton Brown said…” is not much better than hearing, “But Dad said…”; however, since I’m the executive family chef, I have the last word.

Fortunately, these are skills that will serve him well later in life. He may not always put the toilet seat down but he does know to salt the pasta water.

7 July
Dear Diary,
C asked me how my day was today. So I spewed. It was a long day of firefighting and dealing with people who needed excessive hand-holding. I finished the litany by saying, “Sometimes, I’m just not scary enough.”

N overhears this outpouring and in all seriousness, asks me if I saw Sulley on the Scare Floor today. My son thinks I work at Monsters Inc.

23 August
Dear Diary,
C just spent the last 25 hours in a van full of sweaty men running Hood to Coast, the “Mother of all Relays”. You’d think in the presence of all that testosterone, the conversation would degenerate to the attributes of the many spandex-clad chickies each managed to collect as road kill. Instead, the self-described “Gentleman’s Van” debated the nutritional merits of durian and balut.

Does this mean we’re getting old?

25 September
Dear Diary,
I had a pretty good triathlon season. I jumped off a perfectly good boat and proved once and for all that it is possible to Escape from Alcatraz. I even went to Nationals, albeit as a zebra in a field of cheetahs trying my hardest not to get eaten.

But Type A obsessive personality that I am, I can’t help but raise the bar. I’m no longer content with getting faster. Now I need to go longer. There’s hardly enough time to get wet, cold, dizzy, nauseous, chafed, and exhausted in the shorter races.

What fun is there in that?

16 October
Dear Diary,
I went to Parent-Teacher conferences today. N is doing well this year and Teacher P called him a creative and well-rounded engineering type. No surprises there, really.

Then she showed me his self portrait. He thinks he’s a train with flat wheels. I’m not sure whether to be happy he can make such well-formed shapes or concerned that he thinks he lives in the Sodor engine shed with Thomas the Tank Engine.

1 December
Dear Diary,
December already? I guess I need to get cracking on our Holiday Letter…

All submissions to The M Chronicles must be submitted by individuals whose surname is M and who meet any of the following criteria: 1. Possess a current internet web address of xxxxxxxx, or 2. Reside at xxxxxxxx. Please be advised that any and all submissions become the property of the Editor and will not be returned. Due to the shortcomings of our editorial board this quirky publication will fulfill the position previously occupied by the Holiday Letter. Happy Holidays!

Christmas 2007

The First Annual M Final Exam
Pencils ready? Here we go!

1. Dear
1. Family
2. Friend(s)

2. We hope that this letter finds you
1. healthy
2. happy
3. eagerly awaiting the next installment of the M family news
   

3. C and R are still
1. married
2. speaking
3. breathing
   

4. N
1. always has enough energy to get us through the next energy crisis. Eat your heart out Global Warming!
2. thinks he’s Jackson Pollock. Don’t believe us? Look at his paintings.
3. continues to plot world domination with his imaginary friend, the other N, and an army of stuffed animals
   

5. Like a typical preschooler, he
1. knows the code, “What happens on the playground stays on the playground” a.k.a “The wind did it”
2. is the poster child for the “Why?” Revolution
3. is threatening to run off and join the circus with his “Penguins on Monster Trucks” show
   

6. C
1. is no longer afraid of anything since becoming a preschool volunteer
2. continues his “Adventures in Fermentation” by brewing over 75% of the beer we drink and conspiring with his father-in-law to steal yeast from Belgian monks
   

7. He also
1. ran…..a lot; enough to run to British Columbia and back…three times
2. qualified for the 2008 Boston Marathon and will be embarking on that little run from Hopkinton, MA next April
3. is crazy
   

8. R
1. still lives part-time in a gray box at I
2. found her needles and is not afraid to use them. Sometimes knit really does happen around here
   

9. She also
1. biked more miles in six months than she drove in the same time period but never biked to or from work
2. qualified for the 2008 Escape from Alcatraz triathlon and will be voluntarily walking off a boat into the San Francisco bay next June
3. is crazy

10. On vacation,
1. R narrowly avoided packs of hungry, trail mix snatching chipmunks before plunging into the icy depths of Crater Lake
2. N landed a role as the “cute crowd kid” on ESPN when we were in St. Louis for the NCAA Frozen Four
3. C and R ran to Canada and back, underwater with no passports, and did not invite the ire of Homeland Security officials
   

11. You can spy on keep in touch with us by
1. snail mail
2. calling
3. using a “series of tubes” to visit our blog at http://hobey.blogspot.com

12. In closing, we’d like to wish all of you a
1. Merry Christmas
2. Happy Hanukkah
3. Joyful Festivus

Love,

Christmas 2007

Everything is true, except that bit about N joining the circus. As he hasn’t hit puberty yet, we’d like to keep that option open.

Xmas 2006

Mrs. Claus looked up from her knitting as Santa walked into the family room and sank into his armchair with a loud sigh.

“Rough day at the workshop?” she asked.

“Oh boy was it ever,” Santa replied. “My gray hairs are growing their own gray hairs just trying to keep up with Fred and George. The things those two get into…”

“What have they done now?” asked Mrs. Claus with some trepidation. She was very familiar with Fred and George’s brand of mischief.

“I thought they would calm down after they crashed the sled in Fairbanks last spring,” Santa replied. “College hockey of all things! But today, they convinced Rudolph to take them up to the top of Mt. Elfington so they could try mountain biking…on ice.”

Mrs. Claus was shocked. “Mountain biking on ice?!? Where on earth did they get that idea?”

“From the Christmas letters I get to help build my ‘Naughty & Nice’ list. Sometimes I wish I never started doing that but they do make our jobs easier. But Fred and George tend to take innocuous ideas to the extreme,” Santa replied as he rummaged through his coat and pulled out a stack of letters. “These need to be kept under lock and key.” He handed them to Mrs. Claus.

Surprised, Mrs. Claus took the stack. “Surely people don’t write about dangerous or illegal things in their annual letters.” She skimmed the first letter in the pile. “This one, from the Ms in Oregon, looks fairly benign. How nice! R got a promotion this year and got another week of vacation to commemorate ten years at I.” She looked up perplexed, “How on earth can Fred and George possibly use this information to get into trouble?”

“Read on,” Santa said ominously. “The letter they wrote last year was the seed for the ‘Great Alaskan Sled Debacle’. That’s also where they got the idea to brew beer, but since it’s too cold to grow hops here, they ended up using pinecones.” Santa shuddered. “That was the most wretched swill I’ve ever had the privilege of tasting.”

Mrs. Claus’s eyes moved further down the page. “Looks like they went to Milwaukee for their annual Frozen Four trip this year followed by a few days in Chicago to visit friends. A bike tour of Lopez Island in Washington, a trip back to Ann Arbor for a football game, sightseeing and wine tasting in Oregon with summer guests, and Thanksgiving back in Michigan with both families. Sounds like a full and fun year of travel. Nothing to get upset over.”

“Keep going,” Santa replied. “It gets better.”

Dubious, Mrs. Claus kept reading. “R is still knitting, albeit at a very reduced volume due to knitting so much last year that her hands started to hurt and C experimented with growing hops in the backyard. Is that what you’re worried about? Do you think Fred and George will start growing questionable substances?”

“You know, I never thought of that,” said Santa. “That’s not what I’m worried about but it only reaffirms my decision to keep this letter out of reach. Keep going.”

“OK. N is turning three this year and his new favorite food is salmon sashimi. Apparently, he can eat his weight in salmon and...” Mrs. Claus started laughing. “He also likes edamame or ‘edadaddy’ depending who gives him the pod. How sweet! The usual toddler hijinks, I see. Fred and George can definitely get some ideas there.”

Santa exploded, “I can deal with the usual toddler antics! But the parents…did you read what the parents have done this year?”

“Relax, dear,” Mrs. Claus replied. “I’m just getting there.” She continued reading and her eyes got wide. Santa sat back with a satisfied smirk.

“Oh! Oh my,” Mrs. Claus gasped. “It seems that R and C got fully assimilated into the active Oregon culture this year. C ran his first marathon in October and R started racing triathlons, completing two sprint-distance races. Not to mention the shorter running races they both entered.” Mrs. Claus’s eyes grew wider. “They said they had so much fun that R is looking forward to tackling Olympic-distance triathlons next year and C is embarking on a two-a-year marathon plan in his quest for the holy grail, a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon.”

“I can see it now,” Santa sighed. “Reindeer duathlons, polar bear swims, ultramarathons to the magnetic North Pole. They’ll have the other elves and reindeer in such a tizzy that we’ll never get anything done. Plus this family also has a blog at http://hobey.blogspot.com so the stream of information is constant.”

Mrs. Claus stood and folded the letter. “I can see now why you want to keep these letters out of reach.” She replaced the letter on the stack and walked to the fireplace safe.

Happy Holidays and Lots of Love!

Christmas 2006