Mrs. Claus looked up from her knitting as Santa walked into the family room and sank into his armchair with a loud sigh.
“Rough day at the workshop?” she asked.
“Oh boy was it ever,” Santa replied. “My gray hairs are growing their own gray hairs just trying to keep up with Fred and George. The things those two get into…”
“What have they done now?” asked Mrs. Claus with some trepidation. She was very familiar with Fred and George’s brand of mischief.
“I thought they would calm down after they crashed the sled in Fairbanks last spring,” Santa replied. “College hockey of all things! But today, they convinced Rudolph to take them up to the top of Mt. Elfington so they could try mountain biking…on ice.”
Mrs. Claus was shocked. “Mountain biking on ice?!? Where on earth did they get that idea?”
“From the Christmas letters I get to help build my ‘Naughty & Nice’ list. Sometimes I wish I never started doing that but they do make our jobs easier. But Fred and George tend to take innocuous ideas to the extreme,” Santa replied as he rummaged through his coat and pulled out a stack of letters. “These need to be kept under lock and key.” He handed them to Mrs. Claus.
Surprised, Mrs. Claus took the stack. “Surely people don’t write about dangerous or illegal things in their annual letters.” She skimmed the first letter in the pile. “This one, from the Ms in Oregon, looks fairly benign. How nice! R got a promotion this year and got another week of vacation to commemorate ten years at I.” She looked up perplexed, “How on earth can Fred and George possibly use this information to get into trouble?”
“Read on,” Santa said ominously. “The letter they wrote last year was the seed for the ‘Great Alaskan Sled Debacle’. That’s also where they got the idea to brew beer, but since it’s too cold to grow hops here, they ended up using pinecones.” Santa shuddered. “That was the most wretched swill I’ve ever had the privilege of tasting.”
Mrs. Claus’s eyes moved further down the page. “Looks like they went to Milwaukee for their annual Frozen Four trip this year followed by a few days in Chicago to visit friends. A bike tour of Lopez Island in Washington, a trip back to Ann Arbor for a football game, sightseeing and wine tasting in Oregon with summer guests, and Thanksgiving back in Michigan with both families. Sounds like a full and fun year of travel. Nothing to get upset over.”
“Keep going,” Santa replied. “It gets better.”
Dubious, Mrs. Claus kept reading. “R is still knitting, albeit at a very reduced volume due to knitting so much last year that her hands started to hurt and C experimented with growing hops in the backyard. Is that what you’re worried about? Do you think Fred and George will start growing questionable substances?”
“You know, I never thought of that,” said Santa. “That’s not what I’m worried about but it only reaffirms my decision to keep this letter out of reach. Keep going.”
“OK. N is turning three this year and his new favorite food is salmon sashimi. Apparently, he can eat his weight in salmon and...” Mrs. Claus started laughing. “He also likes edamame or ‘edadaddy’ depending who gives him the pod. How sweet! The usual toddler hijinks, I see. Fred and George can definitely get some ideas there.”
Santa exploded, “I can deal with the usual toddler antics! But the parents…did you read what the parents have done this year?”
“Relax, dear,” Mrs. Claus replied. “I’m just getting there.” She continued reading and her eyes got wide. Santa sat back with a satisfied smirk.
“Oh! Oh my,” Mrs. Claus gasped. “It seems that R and C got fully assimilated into the active Oregon culture this year. C ran his first marathon in October and R started racing triathlons, completing two sprint-distance races. Not to mention the shorter running races they both entered.” Mrs. Claus’s eyes grew wider. “They said they had so much fun that R is looking forward to tackling Olympic-distance triathlons next year and C is embarking on a two-a-year marathon plan in his quest for the holy grail, a qualifying time for the Boston Marathon.”
“I can see it now,” Santa sighed. “Reindeer duathlons, polar bear swims, ultramarathons to the magnetic North Pole. They’ll have the other elves and reindeer in such a tizzy that we’ll never get anything done. Plus this family also has a blog at http://hobey.blogspot.com so the stream of information is constant.”
Mrs. Claus stood and folded the letter. “I can see now why you want to keep these letters out of reach.” She replaced the letter on the stack and walked to the fireplace safe.
Happy Holidays and Lots of Love!
Christmas 2006
